I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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