Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
