i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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