If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
