so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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