I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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