i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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