The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
