I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
