I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
