He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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