I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
