My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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