first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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