I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
