Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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