i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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