I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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