the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
