just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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