I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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