So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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