I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
