Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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