this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
