I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
