I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
