You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
