I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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