Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
