You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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