I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
