Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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