I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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