FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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