Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
