she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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