You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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