Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
