That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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