My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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