"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
