maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
