I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
