i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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