Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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