What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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