Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
