Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
