I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
