He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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