just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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