My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
