I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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